The summer of 2003 was not supposed to be the one where I learned to drown. It was supposed to be the summer of learning to drive, of grazed knees from skateboards we were too old for, of the stale taste of pool chlorine and cheap cherry cola. Instead, it was the summer the air turned to glass.
Everything was still. Too still. The other kids were kicking, splashing, laughing in slow-motion bubbles. But I saw them the way you see figures in a snow globe after the shake—frozen in the middle of a gesture. My best friend, Jenny, her mouth open mid-shout. Mark, his arm raised to throw a Frisbee that hung in the murk like a pale moon.
“Yeah,” I lied. “Just something in my eye.”
That was the summer of the -ing. Every verb became a trap. Feeling. Failing. Forgetting. Faking. I’d write the word "living" on my hand in ballpoint pen, and by noon it would smear into a bruise. My mother said I was just moody. My father handed me the car keys and said, “Go drive somewhere. Get it out of your system.” But there was nowhere to go. Every road led back to the same cul-de-sac, the same lawn sprinklers clicking like a countdown clock.
“You okay?” Jenny asked. She was treading water two feet away, perfectly fine. The Frisbee arced overhead. Normal. The year 2003, normal.
That was the thing about being seventeen in 2003. We were the last year who remembered a before. Before the war in the news every night became just another commercial break. Before the internet learned to bite. We still had flip phones with antennas, and the only thing we feared was a busy signal. But that summer, something else was bleeding in.
I remember the exact moment the drowning began. Not in water—in sound. My sister had left a CD on repeat in her boombox: a burned mix with "Hey Ya!" scratched over a Dashboard Confessional acoustic track. I was lying on the shag carpet, staring at a water stain on the ceiling that looked exactly like South America. And then the chorus skipped. Not a broken skip—a choosing skip. The same three words, over and over, for what felt like hours: “I’m not okay. I’m not okay. I’m not okay.”
But the voice wasn't the singer's anymore. It was mine.
I swam up. Broke the surface. Gasped.
That fall, school started. We went back to our desks, our lockers, our lives. And no one mentioned the summer. Not the static. Not the glass air. Not the drowning.
The summer of 2003 was not supposed to be the one where I learned to drown. It was supposed to be the summer of learning to drive, of grazed knees from skateboards we were too old for, of the stale taste of pool chlorine and cheap cherry cola. Instead, it was the summer the air turned to glass.
Everything was still. Too still. The other kids were kicking, splashing, laughing in slow-motion bubbles. But I saw them the way you see figures in a snow globe after the shake—frozen in the middle of a gesture. My best friend, Jenny, her mouth open mid-shout. Mark, his arm raised to throw a Frisbee that hung in the murk like a pale moon.
“Yeah,” I lied. “Just something in my eye.” ...ing -2003-
That was the summer of the -ing. Every verb became a trap. Feeling. Failing. Forgetting. Faking. I’d write the word "living" on my hand in ballpoint pen, and by noon it would smear into a bruise. My mother said I was just moody. My father handed me the car keys and said, “Go drive somewhere. Get it out of your system.” But there was nowhere to go. Every road led back to the same cul-de-sac, the same lawn sprinklers clicking like a countdown clock.
“You okay?” Jenny asked. She was treading water two feet away, perfectly fine. The Frisbee arced overhead. Normal. The year 2003, normal. The summer of 2003 was not supposed to
That was the thing about being seventeen in 2003. We were the last year who remembered a before. Before the war in the news every night became just another commercial break. Before the internet learned to bite. We still had flip phones with antennas, and the only thing we feared was a busy signal. But that summer, something else was bleeding in.
I remember the exact moment the drowning began. Not in water—in sound. My sister had left a CD on repeat in her boombox: a burned mix with "Hey Ya!" scratched over a Dashboard Confessional acoustic track. I was lying on the shag carpet, staring at a water stain on the ceiling that looked exactly like South America. And then the chorus skipped. Not a broken skip—a choosing skip. The same three words, over and over, for what felt like hours: “I’m not okay. I’m not okay. I’m not okay.” Everything was still
But the voice wasn't the singer's anymore. It was mine.
I swam up. Broke the surface. Gasped.
That fall, school started. We went back to our desks, our lockers, our lives. And no one mentioned the summer. Not the static. Not the glass air. Not the drowning.