Lady Macbeth Online

Give me the light. Give me the dark. Give me back the woman I killed to become this hollow, walking ghost.

My husband is away now, hiding in Dunsinane, building walls of wood and bone and paranoia. The thanes are deserting him. The forest, they say, is moving . How fitting. Everything I touched to make us safe has become a cage. Every lie I told has grown teeth. And I am left with this—this terrible, absolute clarity. I wanted power for him, for us, for the burning thing inside me that could not be named. But power is not a crown. It is a mirror. And I have looked into it for too long.

But somewhere in those long nights, something inside me began to… change. It started as a scent. Blood. Not on my hands—we had washed them a thousand times—but behind my skin. Under my fingernails. In the back of my throat. I would wake at three in the morning, certain I could taste copper and iron and old, rusted regret. I stopped sleeping. Or rather, I stopped dreaming . My dreams had become a locked room, and I had thrown away the key.

At first, I did not know. The doctor is too afraid to tell me, but I know now. I walk the corridors of this castle—this gilded tomb —with a candle, because I am terrified of the dark. I, who once summoned night to cloak my dagger. I, who laughed at the owl’s scream and the cricket’s cry. Now I cannot bear a shadow. I scrub my hands in my sleep. I see the spots of blood that are not there. I say the words I swore I would never say again: “Yet who would have thought the old man to have had so much blood in him?” Lady Macbeth

For a while, we were invincible. A second murder, then a third. Banquo’s blood spilled in a ditch, and Fleance running like a rabbit through the dark. I watched my husband grow giddy with violence, each killing making him more a king, less a man. And I? I smiled. I poured wine. I held his hand when the ghost of Banquo sat in his chair—a ghost only he could see, mind you. The lords watched him scream at empty air, and I saved him. I always saved him. “Are you a man?” I asked, because shame was the only leash that still worked on him.

“What do you mean?” I said. “A little water clears us of this deed.”

They will remember me as the villain. The witch-queen. The dark mother of murder. But I will tell you the truth: I was afraid. I was so afraid of being small, of being powerless, of being the woman who watches her husband fail and says nothing. So I became the storm. And the storm has swallowed me whole. Give me the light

Here is my candle. Here is my gown. Here is the stain that will not wash out. And here is the end, approaching like a gentle sleep—or like a blade. I no longer know the difference.

Duncan’s blood. Not a river. Not an ocean. Just one old man’s quiet, astonished bleeding. And it has filled the world.

Out, I say.

How young I was. How monstrously, magnificently young.

You think you know me. You have heard the story—the whisper of a woman who traded her milk for gall, who called upon the spirits to unsex her, who dashed the brains of her own smiling babe rather than break an oath. You imagine me striding through Inverness like a queen carved from winter, my heart as hollow and cold as a crypt. But you are wrong. I was never cold. I was burning .

That night—that terrible, beautiful night—I made myself into a creature of pure purpose. When Duncan slept, looking so much like a weary grandfather than a king, I did not hesitate. I would have done it myself. Do you hear me? I would have driven the blade home, had he not resembled my father as he slept. That was my only mercy. One single thread of mortal womanhood, frayed but unbroken. And then Macbeth—my soldier, my coward—he came back with his hands painted red and his mind already beginning to come apart. My husband is away now, hiding in Dunsinane,

What do I see? Not a queen. Not a monster. Just a woman who loved her husband so much she unlearned every soft thing she was born with. And for what? He is a tyrant now, and he does not even look at me. He sends for the doctor, not for his wife. He plans his battles, not our future. I have become a footnote in my own catastrophe.

But I? I am awake. I am always awake now.