He looked at the file name again. This Ain't Avatar. XXX. 3D SBS. 720p. Bluray. X264. AC3.
He never told a soul. But the file name was now permanently seared into his retinas, a 3D SBS ghost that no amount of Bluray clarity could ever erase.
With a deep breath that tasted of energy drink, Leo double-clicked.
The screen went black. Then, a pixelated, lime-green legal disclaimer appeared: “The following film is a parody. No Na’vi were harmed in the making of this motion picture. However, several foam latex puppets were irreparably stained.” This Aint Avatar 2010 XXX 3D SBS 720p Bluray X264 AC3
It was a masterpiece of false advertising. It wasn't Avatar. It was something sadder, funnier, and more profoundly human. It was a testament to the fact that someone, somewhere, had access to blue body paint, a 3D camera rig, and absolutely no shame. And they had used all three to create this.
Leo paused the video. The SBS image froze on a frame of Drake Chully tangled in his own queue, Neigh-tiri giving the camera a bored, thousand-yard stare.
“I need to learn the ways of the Omaticaya,” Drake Chully said, his voice a flat monotone. “Specifically… the reproductive ways.” He looked at the file name again
Leo deleted the file. Then he emptied his trash bin. Then he restarted his computer just to be safe.
The protagonist wasn’t Jake Sully. He was “Drake Chully,” a paralyzed former Marine with a soul patch and an inexplicable New Jersey accent. His avatar? A lanky, seven-foot-tall blue creature with glowing freckles and the worried expression of a substitute teacher.
Leo covered his eyes. Then peeked through his fingers. The 3D effect was actually working. The animatronic horse rotated slowly in the background, its mechanical eye blinking in a silent plea for help. 3D SBS
Then, the 3D Side-by-Side (SBS) image kicked in. Without glasses, it was a blurry, double-vision mess. Leo squinted, leaning back until the two Pandoran landscapes merged into one.
He’d found it on a forum buried so deep in the internet that the regular laws of cause and effect seemed to apply only loosely. The sole comment below the magnet link was: “The Na’vi have… assets.”